Parents
Counseling Center

Transitions
Strategies to Help Your Adult Child
Coping Strategies for You
Consultation
Resources

Transitions

Starting college is a big transition for you and your adult child. Attending college is often the first and most intense separation in your relationship that involves changes in physical location as well as in identity. Students are typically struggling to define themselves while their parents are adjusting to being less involved in their adult children’s lives. Adjusting to a new degree of independence from one another is part of negotiating a more mature relationship, characteristic of adult responsibility, goal setting, and decision-making. Your adult child needs to develop judgment and self-care while you learn to decrease control and develop trust in your adult child’s choices. Below you will find some helpful tips to guide you through this transition.

Strategies to Help Your Adult Child

Keep Lines of Communication Open

• Stay in touch
• Show interest
• Be a good listener
• Have an open mind
• Be encouraging
• Don’t push

Encourage Independence and Responsibility

• Learn to provide support and a listening ear but don’t try to control their lives via long distance.
• Encourage independent thinking. Help them sort out their thinking process and avoid making decisions for them.

Respect Boundaries

• It might not be the best idea to just show up at your adult child’s dorm room on a Friday afternoon. Always call first and arrange time to visit them in their new home.
• Try to keep a balance between consistent contact with your adult child and demanding an email every day or phone call three times a week.

Be Realistic

• Beginning a college career can bring with it many academic challenges. Be realistic about your expectations of grades and achievement.
• Discuss your adult child’s new financial responsibilities. Establish limits and guidelines that fit both your needs and encourage responsibility.
• Keep your adult child informed about what is happening with family and in the community.  Students typically appreciate it when parents communicate this information and often resent it when parents withhold unhappy news, such as a family illness or the death of a grandparent, in order to not upset them.
• Students love to receive a touch of home.  Send “care packages” but don’t send cash!
• It is important to make the most of home visits and to maintain a space for your adult child when she/he comes home.

Be Flexible

• Allow some room for growth as you negotiate changes in what your expectations are with what your adult child’s expectations and needs are.

Be Informed

• Know the campus resources and encourage your adult child to take advantage of the services available to him/her.
• Get involved when tearful calls outnumber the others or when other behaviors arise such as frequent illness, excessive fatigue, changes in behavior or appearance, or talk of hopelessness or lack of purpose.

Coping Strategies for You

Recognize that ambivalence is normal. As your adult child leaves for college you may feel a mix of emotions. You may feel nostalgic about the “early years” or apprehensive about the upcoming separation. At the same time you may be looking forward to more peace and quiet at home or to spending more time with other family members. All of these reactions are normal.

Feel the emotions. Don’t pretend that you are unaffected by the transition of your adult child leaving home. A healthy approach is to talk about your emotions with family, friends, or whoever is a support to you.

Pay attention to staying healthy. Exercise, a healthy diet, and adequate sleep are important to your health, especially during stressful times. If you feel good, you will be able to provide support to your adult child. Remember that you are a role model for your adult child who may be experiencing a lot of stress in the upcoming year. If they observe your healthy lifestyle, they may replicate it.

Acknowledge the importance of this milestone. You have just spent 18+ years guiding and teaching your adult child to become a productive member of society. Now, it is time to put into practice all that you have taught him or her. Remember that by providing your adult child an opportunity to go to college, you have given him or her a priceless gift. Take pride in this accomplishment.

Find an outlet for yourself. Remember, it is normal for your adult child to become active in a life separate from the family. Don’t take it personally when your adult child does not have the same time for you, and you have more time on your hands. Consider exploring a new hobby, making new friends, or completing an unfinished task. Engaging in activities that provide new challenges can help you re-channel the energies previously spent on your adult child.

Consultation

The Counseling Center staff can provide limited consultation with parents. There may be times when you may feel unsure about how to approach certain issues with your adult child, or despite your best efforts he/she resists your attempts to be helpful.  If your adult child has a history of mental health issues, is currently taking medication, or you think that they may benefit from long term support during their years at Roosevelt, the staff can help you locate resources in the community.  Feel free to contact us at 312-341-3548 to arrange a consultation.

We are not able to talk with parents in any way about their son’s or daughter’s participation in counseling without the student’s written consent for release of information.  Confidentiality is a very important part of the therapy relationship we establish with students.  We adhere to the guidelines about confidentiality in therapeutic services as mandated by federal and state laws, as well as those established by our licensing board.

Helpful Resources

Books:

Don’t Tell Me What To Do, Just Send Money, by Helen E. Johnson & Christine Schelhas-Miller.

St. Martin’s Griffin, NY, 2000.

Letting Go: A Parents’ Guide to Understanding the College Years, by Karen L. Coburn & Madge L. Treeger.  Harper Collins, NY, 1997.

Websites:

Alcohol, Other Drugs, and College: A Parent's Guide http://www.edc.org/hec/pubs/parents.html

College Parents of America (CPA)  http://www.collegeparents.org/cpa/index.html

Parents, Families, Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)
http://www.pflag.org/

Parents and Loved Ones of Sexual Abuse and Rape Survivors
http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/2656/

Counseling Center